Evergreen1
Why can’t I be
An evergreen?
I’d be very tall
And maybe less mean.
But I should be honest
And come clean
About the true reason why
I have this dream.
My lover’s eyes are
So green
Rarely from envy
Yet he still causes a scene.
I can’t look away
From something so serene.
Hard to believe
He’s just a human being.
For a soul like his
Can never be unseen.
It seems to have lived forever
Like a beautiful evergreen.
Virginia is for Lovers
I find it hard to write about love. I worry too much if people will roll their eyes. If people will try to psycho-analyze me like Instagram slideshows tell them to. If people will be jealous because they haven’t experienced it yet. But I want to put my worries aside. I want to put pen to paper, or rather thumb to screen, and fill everyone’s cup with the love I enjoy pouring endlessly. I only know how to love unconditionally, continuously, immensely. So here goes somethin’.
~
I’m from Virginia and Virginia is for Lovers.2 I met my lover at a donut shop. I love food, especially vegan food. My love for all that lived, lives & will live drives me to live a vegan lifestyle. I still have deep aspirations of one day designing my own vegan café. That meant I needed food service experience. As a recent broke college grad, I saw the new donut shop as my opportunity to finally learn. Learn how to spread joy through pouring one’s heart into food. So I started out decorating donuts & brewing coffee.
A few months into the gig, a new baker arrived. Thick blonde hair in need of a haircut. In a worn out grey sweatshirt soon to be permanently covered in flour, sugar & fryer grease. A quiet demeanor but seemed committed to do whatever it took to work here. That meant 2-10am shifts of laboring over fried dough.
I would arrive at 5am to prep for opening. He’d always have to unlock the door for me. As a thank you, I’d make him the first latte of the day. I wanted to impress him with my thoughtfulness & artistic skills. Even with shaky hands, I’d pour a heart into his cup every chance I had. I guess I was trying to show him my own heart. That I was willing to so easily give it to him if he wanted to have & to hold.
Have you ever given your heart for someone else to hold? Entrusting them to nurture & protect it. Even if they drop it, you know they’ll try their best to dust it off, apologize & treat the wounds until the scars fade away. That your heart in their hands will never be abused or forgotten or thrown away. That when it furiously pulses in panic, they’ll soothe it with a kiss & a whisper. I knew that I could trust him with mine. He knew that he could trust me with his. So on one cold Tuesday in December, we committed to being shareholders. Deeply invested in the growth of another.
~
I believe trees to be immortal. That if they have resources & never fall victim to disasters, they’ll live forever. Evergreens are magnificent in how they maintain their comforting, green foliage throughout the seasons. Even after 5 winters, 62 lunar cycles, and probably 12,775 kisses3, our true colors have never faded.
That’s because of choice. I think people underestimate free will. We do not have to be together. We choose to be together. I choose to look at this face everyday. He chooses to work with my fear of abandonment. I choose to push him out of his comfort zone. He chooses to listen to me sing every song from Dreamgirls when I’m feeling dramatic. I choose to share with him the thoughts I’ve told my journal years ago. He chooses to make eye contact with me when he’s hurt my feelings to apologize lovingly. We make the choice to keep trying, to not force the other to be someone they’re not, to be unyielding in our love. It’s a choice to have evergreen love.
~
I’m not sure how to really end this piece. Our story is still being written. What I can say is that my teenaged self, who’d read romance novels, daydream about finding true love and pray for someone to love every atom of her existence, would be so happy to see how we’re loved now. How we don’t have to fear being left behind, replaced or abused. That we have a heartbeat we can listen to every night while being held tight. We have someone who wanted a chance to see you as a kid so y’all made one. Someone to grow very, very old with. Like dried apricot wrinkly old with. I know she’s happy. I’m happy. We’re happy. And I know that’s not wrong.
To my lover, my best friend, my husband, Michael, oh how I love you so.
I want to say a special thanks to Evana|arbiter of distaste for writing so beautifully about love. You’ve inspired me to try.
Look into the case Loving v. Virginia
Math (7 kisses a day x 365 days a year x 5 years)
ughh this is so gorgeous. I am grateful for trusting us with a snippet of your version of endless unconditional love. I love the 5 am love and the evergreens as reminders of natural everlastingness and the maths.
Your love is so beautiful 🥰