Glimmers after Grief
I don’t want to get caught up in writing eloquently about grief. So many people express the depth and shallowness of grief that I don’t feel especially called to rewrite how that ocean moves. I just want to get this out my chest. Yes, not off but out my chest. From my present heart unto my past’s heart and for my future’s heart sake. Because I write first for myself and second for anyone else willing to read. Finally, I feel like a four year chapter of grappling with grief has come to a close and I just want to share some glimmers that twinkle after grief goes away.
To me, a glimmer isn’t some grandiose pivotal moment when everything changes for the better. Glimmers are micro moments where I feel like inspired to carry on, to keep walking down my divinely designed life path, to renew my belief in anything.
I grieved when I wanted to leave my job during the pandemic. In order to survive, I had to stay longer than I intended. My chest caved in with heartbreak and hollowness when I felt like my relationship was coming to an end. I thought I was losing my independence and sense of self slowly but surely every day for two full years. I can’t really tell what hurt worse, a dream turned into a nightmare or having dreams deferred. Then last year possessed every major life change that it could’ve and left me unearthed.
Grief is multifaceted, complex and erosive. I find that only time heals a grieving heart. My heart has been drained countless times and yet, she heals and continues to pour out love wherever the glimmers shimmer.
I saw a glimmer when I finally paid my car off with that stimulus check. When every sunset for a week was pastel pink. The moment the Polaroid photo developed after he proposed to me. When a student said at the end of my first retreat I designed & lead “This restored my faith in humanity.” The surreal silence and awe we experienced seeing our first ultrasound. When every flower started to leave an impression on me. Seeing my son and Mickey Mouse holding hands. A perfect rainbow cast above our house. And so many more.
October 2023-March 2024 was a relentless time. I must admit I was resisting change. Desperately clinging on to the stability I had and needed. Everything about being a new mother and moving into a new house that needed renovations and repairs was all consuming. Like black hole level all consuming. I had zero capacity for anything.
When I decided to go into hibernation January until spring equinox, everything started to feel lighter. Coming off social media has had the greatest impact on my well-being. I’ve had an online presence as a successful content creator and influencer for about 10 years. Online platforms were just very different years ago. Much more fun and connective. Since 2020, there’s been just a dwindling of quality and appeal to it for me. An increase of annoyance through ads, poorly coded algorithms and the presence of AI. It’s become simultaneously boring and addictive. The risk of being attacked or stolen from feels higher than the potential benefit of putting myself and my work on there. Exposure to more forms of grief is given to me against my will. My anxiety and irritability were constantly higher when I remained locked in all the time. That’s simply no longer how I want to show up for myself, my inner circle or my community. Leaving social media seems like the best solution.
I found that my real life is plenty entertaining. I’m much more patient and attentive because I’m no longer consuming short form content. I no longer need caffeine to replace the energy that social media was draining from me. I have never-ending capacity for creativity and compassion. I can cook, clean, rest, play, hike, write, read, garden, paint, nurture, savor, emote, connect so much more consistently and happily. My real life is actually full of glimmers! In the last few weeks, the glimmers are shining brighter and brighter. They come more frequently. Daily actually. I can feel a glimmer of hope every day at least once. Today it was seeing new leaves on the fig tree we just planted in the yard! With social media in my life, I was just too distracted and depressed to see them.
Nonetheless, I’m content with how the last four years have gone. They needed to happen that way. I needed to go through that. I needed to grow through that. I’m typing this letter while my husband reads some Octavia Butler, my toddler snores and we’re comfortably safe & sound in our first home. I regret nothing that has ever happened to me prior to this moment because if it didn’t happen I wouldn’t have any of this to experience. I’m appreciative of the all the blessings and challenges I’ve been given.
So what if things could’ve been different? They weren’t. I can’t change that now. I choose to learn from and not dwell on the past. I choose to plan for and not worry about the future. I choose to breathe and be myself in this present moment. There’s also no sense in comparing one’s grief to another’s. That’s just dismissive and unproductive. Grief has to be an accepted part of life just as much as anger and joy. Emotions are meant to come and go and thankfully, grief seems to be going away from me for now.
My timeline for adjusting to newness (and grieving what I once knew) is 6 months. It wasn’t until 6 months postpartum did I start to feel confident. So it was no surprise that 6 months after moving into this house did it start to feel like home. I’m unsure what the next thing will be but I’m will allow my grieving and adjusting process to take at least that long. Who knows if that’s how it’ll go. I sure don’t.
Anyways, I hope this gives you hope or maybe inspires you to take note of the glimmers in your life. Life doesn’t seem to get easier but it does get better. Remember, grief is not the enemy, it’s a just mirror showing you how deep your love is.
Hugs and forehead kisses,
Carri
Hyphae
Just a few things that I believe to be beautiful, interconnecting branches from this piece:
I think reading this piece and of itself was a glimmer for me. Thanks so much for sharing it.
This is so so relevant. We don’t always stop to acknowledge how the daily passing things AND the big life event things impact us. Thank you so much for sharing my post 🙏